I was born into and raised in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, commonly known as the Mormon Church. I have had mixed feelings about it for a long time. As a child, it was a fun community: kids to play with, adults to plan and supervise activities, and rituals and celebrations to mark the passing of time. However, as I entered my teenage years, I began to have serious misgivings about the beliefs and practices of the Mormon Church as an organization. I found my Mormon identity set me apart from my non-Mormon peers in ways I found to be increasingly isolating. My parents required me to attend Church throughout high school, but I resolved to reconsider my commitment when I went to college.
Mormon tradition and teachings called for me to spend two years on a proselytizing mission shortly into my time in college. I never had any desire to proselytize and resented the pressure I felt from curriculum and youth leaders to go.
A Mormon mission is an immersive experience. Missionaries are separated from any support structure outside of the Church-run local mission organization, scattered to far corners of the nation and world, and instructed to spend their days trying to convert people to Mormonism. They are taught that their success converting people is tied to their worthiness to act as a messenger for God, measured by how well they obey all the Mormon commandments. Then they are expected to undertake a job with a high level of inevitable rejection and failure. I wanted no part of the experience.
Some Amish communities have a time in adolescence called rumspringa. During this period, sixteen-year-old Amish are permitted to shed many of their lifestyle restrictions and participate in the modern world, perhaps trying contemporary fashion, getting a phone, or driving a car. After this exploration period an Amish person has a choice: be baptized into the church or leave the community and live in the outside world. Rumspringa is supposed to help young people make informed decisions about their religious practices and increase the commitment of those who stay.
My freshman year at Purdue I decided to try a twist on the traditional Mormon mission period. Instead of spending two years seeing if my life would be improved by being as Mormon as possible, I would take a two-year break from Church, and reevaluate how my life was without Mormonism in it.
A month in, the results were clear. Sundays had become instantly better. I could sleep in, go running, eat breakfast, and still begin my Sunday afternoon studying sooner than if I attended the three-hour church service. Add in the fact that I didn't miss dressing up, playing nice, and listening to messages I felt uneasy about, and I had no regrets.
I hoped that if I just ignored Mormonism, it would slowly fade from my life. Mormonism has no mainstream relevance in Indiana, and I would almost never interact with any Mormon people unless I sought them out. I felt Mormonism had occupied too much of my youth, and I didn't want to give it any more of my time.
I was almost correct. College was a very busy time for me, and the years flew by. It was two and a half years before I had the time to stop and reevaluate. I had absolutely no desire to return to Church, but it was clear that Mormonism would not fade from my life as easily as it faded from my Sunday mornings. It was the foundation of my understanding of morality and ethics, the framework of my family relationships, and the influence behind many of my habits and mannerisms. It was my heritage. Without cutting off family, old friends, and large parts of my past and present, its influence would not simply vanish from my life. I needed to take a more deliberate approach to leaving.
The longer I was away from the Mormon Church, the more my understanding of spirituality and morality drifted from the version I had learned in Sunday School. This drift made interacting with family and friends from my previous Mormon life uncomfortable. These relationships were built on the framework of common beliefs that Mormonism provided. Pretending that this foundation is still intact feels increasingly dishonest. With this project I hope to be more authentic and honest, even though some relationships will need to be restructured.
Losing the religion of my childhood has given me a desire to be more deliberate in choosing what I believe. This website is a collection of stories about my experiences growing up Mormon and my thoughts on Mormonism, God, religion, morality, and spirituality. By walking through some formative experiences and explaining how I felt in the moment and in retrospect, I hope to develop a habit of actively refining my understanding of morality, spirituality, and ethics.
For more about me, check out my Study Abroad Blog.
